Saturday, November 22, 2008

sick and tired

Heh this isn't actually my mental state I am just actually sick and tired. I am not sick in the "ill" sick. Rather I have a fairly nasty migrain. So for the evening I am more or less debilitated. This is an ironic state of being. See normally these things are triggered by lack of sleep. But last week you would have to add more than half of the week together in order to scrounge up 8 hours of uniterupted sleep. This week I've gone to bed at relativly modest times and now here I am half dead with pain. Ironic.

I've learned something about myself which should be faily obviouse to anyone paying any sort of mild attension. I've learned something else. There are people out there. Some of them are amazing. Some of them are so amazing that sometimes when I am without them I feel sad when I am alone. See most times I come home, I plop doiwn in whatever room I happen to be living in at the time and I pick an activity and do that until it is time for a new activity. I've always been much happyer being alone than a normal person should be. I see how my friends act when they are lonely and for the most part I simply can't understand how they feel. All I can do is offer my prescense and hope that is enough. These people though, the ones that can actually make me feel alone...they are scary to me. Its hard to go back, but it is even harder to deal with sub par shoddy crap.

This isn't very happy is it? I'm sorry. But I am also in increadble pain at the moment and I can't sleep because it hurts so much. I used to think that when I had a girlfriend that I would have someone to hold me though the pain. It never worked out like that though. OH JESUS that just sounded like a suicide note. Edgad I am not that bad off. Heh Edgad man is that a fun word to type. I love words you know?

Secret time: If you say a certain word in a certain way it turns me on. Its a diffrent word for everyone. The last time it happened it was myopic. When she said that I just wanted to leap through the phone and...well do things. I get kinda funny when I am in pain.

One of the most painful things I have ever endured in my entire life is shingles sex. For thouse of you that don't know shingles is when your chicken pox mutate and attack your immune system. It is increadbly painful, not painful like what I am going through right now...there is no nausia for one. I hate nausia. No this is like a constant burining pain that is also stabbing...and man well everything sucks. I don't even know how the damn thing worked under thouse conditions, but I did it. I don't think I ever admitted how much that hurt. Well if FUCKING DID. I'm glad I did it though. I've always had a funny relationship to pain. I just spent the las two hours curled up in a ball with the lights off. I am not asleep and that doens't look like that is going to be happening any time soon. So I might as well ramble. Ramble ramble, ramble is more fun to say than it is to type.

The cool thing about a migrain is that it is impossibnle to be depressed in the middle of one. You just don't care enough about anything to be depressed. You just want the pain to go away. And to stop feeling I'd rather go blind than deal with that crap. My mom goes blind every once in awhile from migrains. It will prolly happen to me too. Ever sinc eit happened to her the first time I learned how to get around my house without seeing. That is why the floor is always so messy, I only step in certain parts of it anyway. I am wierd though.

The sad though about being alone isn't when it happens because when it happens it happens. It isn't the memories because I always like looking back and smilieng at the good times. No it is when you can feel it coming. The time when you are no longer needed and you go back to being alone. Astute people will try to make the connection with sasha. That is half true. It goes much much further than that. My parents for example make me feel alone. When I get done talking to them I feel so utterly alienated from the rest of the world that I have no idea what to do with myself. It is especially bad when I talk to my step mom. There is a woman who I have lived with for most of my life and I just don't understand her and I never will. I feel like a nonm biological obligation to her rather than anything else. So good guess with the sasha thing, but its really my step mom that brought all this on.

I just can't bring myself to connect with thouse people, even though I can see how much they want to connect with me. It is so desperate, and hesitent because they don't know how and niether do I but we all know just how tenuouse things are between everyone. She Wants Revenge sure does like thier intros don't they. I should be focuseing on something happyer but I can't get my step parents out of my head. The funny thing is that I literally drop what I am doing to help out thouse who ask me for it. But I don't know how to ask anyone for anything and as a result I always do nights like this alone. I don't mind though. I don't like inflicting my dark evenings on the others. Sure sure I like to leave little records of these outings lying around but I don't know why I do it.

Actually I think I deleae most of these things before they get posted. I think I'll post this one though. God damn my head.

One of the most human things that ever happened to me was compliments of Charise. There is only one person who reads this thing regualrly who knows who that is, and that would be evan. Everyone look at him. There was one time...lior was in isreal doing his lior things and he was about to head home. One night Charese sighned one and asked me to hope for him and his safe return. If I felt better I would make a bigger deal about this. The fact is that she had no religion to sum up her feelings, aka pray, but regardless she wanted someome to deliberatly hope for his retun with her. It was one of the purest things that has ever happened to me. I keep that moment within me and every time I wish someone well I think of that moment, that moment of utter humanuity where bereft of any greater divinity or moralistic god head, we just wanted him to get home safe. At the time I felt absurde doing it, I'll admit. But I did it. I did it because she asked me too, and I couldn't see the harm in not doing it.

Sasha is in mexico, she should be returning soon, I hope she comes back alright and I hope that she is better than when I left her.

I would like our friendship to contiune on afterward but it isn't something I hope for because that is the most preciouse of all desires and I keep that one only for other people's well beings.

I need to refridgerate the milk. Never has my trailor felt so vast in my fucking life. Oh well I need to forcus. See here is the thing. The reason why I am writting this is because it keeps it down, the pain that is. I don't know what it is. There is just something about writting that keeps me whole during this long dark night. Maybe that is why I like to be alone during times like this, because ultimatly I am the only one who can keep myself together or some shit like that. Man that is a lonoenly thought but lets face it, every time I dump my trust in people i hasn't worked out to well for me. The most painful think is watching that person turn into the person you always knew they were once you screpped off all the dumb shit holding them down.

You can't change a person, but sometimes you can lightten thier baggage train. I know you can I've done it. Of course I've also increased it. But no one is perfect so cut me some slack.

On a random whim just beforee I typed all of this I joined a bunch of random blog groups. I don't know why, I hope they aren't lame. I would like to do so much. And I can't even muster the strength to get up and put the damn milk away. To set the recod staight I was nausiouse before the milk and cookies happened. But I figgured is I am going to feel sick than I am going to feel oreos as well. I mean there is a point where worse is a relativbe term. I alway thought it would be funny if a BDSM nut got captured by the enemy and tortured. I mean what would they do?

:"Erm we are doing elector shock on him now"
"He got an erection and asked us to put another set of clamps on his testicles"

Heh I think it would be funny. God I hate this song. Downloading the Cradle of Filth discography was more or less a mistake. I really only love three of thier cds, the rest can go burn in hell. On that note I really like type o negative and the next time I lean fowards I am going to try to download some. I lost my virginity to them you leave me alone. I used to be afrtaid when I got migrains because I get really tried and I would close my eyes and yet I wouldn't sleep. When I was little I thought I was dying and so in my head I would say good bye to everyone I cared about just in case. Man I am sure there is something in all of that. It is just that I care very deeply for the people around me but abosent and present. I just suck,

Now both my hands hurt on top of everything else. YAY! Woo I've leaned fowards and my reward was a dizzy spell, a near vomiting insident, and I forgot what the hell I leaned foward to do in the first place. Man I can't do anything like this except babble and I don't even know if it is coherent. I don't care, this sucks. I don't hate it though. I think it is beautiful in a way, I can't explain it but it is. I promise. Man I think it is time for the bath room.

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