The Piano Tuner of Earth Quakes
Days I've spent online: 9
Days its taken me to go apeshit after finding a site dedicated to some of the most amazing movies ever: 8
Pretty good. I was worried I would do an amazon spending binge. But no no. So yeah isn't that a clever title, unfortunatly it is the title of a movie that I am currently SO excited to see that I am actually happy to go to work so I don't have to sit there all day with a bowl of popcorn watching the progress bar excitedly.
I'm sure I will either gush love or disapointment regarding its excistence tonight or tomarrow.
I think I've decided that I am going to subscribe to WOW. Its a pretty fun game actually. I don't really understand how people can find it to be all life consuming awesome. It isn't that great. In fact in many ways I prefer maplestory. I think it is WOW's background. I am kinda getting tired of the whole war torn, dispair ridden, fantasy world. It is kinda depressing. It started with Warhammer mostly. Warhammer was always kinda of a depressing game but up until 5th edition it maintained a sort of tounge in cheek humour regarding the whole situation. Now it is all dark and super goth. Sure sure I like the whole aesthetic but jesus christ lighten up people. WOW has that same sort of overwrought gothyness, at least superficialy and then sprinkled throughout there are bits of light hearted humour. So I guess I'll stick around, its fun.
So last night at about 1:30 I got off WOW and decided to do some homework. Instead I watched an episode of Starved. Starved is one of the most amazing shows I have ever seen. Its funny, I'll give you that. Hilariouse in fact. In addition it is a deep, complex, multilayered sense of humour that you just don't find in normal television shows. It also posseses a sort of direct...jesus what the fuck was the girl wearing, it sounds like she died and had to put on 8 diffrent types of perfume. Anyway where was I. Oh yeah it also posseses a sort of direct brutality that you just can't get around. Its more than the belt tighteners scenes which are hilariouse, "This morning I ate chocolate cake out of the garbage"
"If you were a dog I would kick you in the face"
Amazing. You just can't find that sort of thing elsewhere, oh an the electoshock scene makes me happy forever. I'm going to give Ben a copy on monday because I hope he likes it...assuming I force my dvd burner to do as I say. I don't know why I'm aprehensive about it. I guess i just don't feel like monkeying around with my stupid computer. I just want the damn thing to work and leave me alone. This is impossible.
Back to Starved. It is one of the few shows that actually can make me feel dirty for watching it. In the first episode the main charecter begins to mentaly abuse this girl he is dating. Essentialy he is turning her into a fictional person he sees in a TV comercial. He is only attracted to her when she is doing something that reminds him of the comercial. The best is when he convinces her to tell him about her day in a brittish accent in order to keep him from being bored. This is aweful, reprehensible, and fucking hilariouse. I can't help but cheer him along as he bends and twists this girl into his sad pathetic vision of beauty which is dominated by waist sizes and superficiality. I can understand why the show quickly failed. It makes me sad though, I mean it wasn't like they tried to bury it, they put it on right before Rescue Me and Nip/Tuck which is how I got to watch it. Its easy to let the show get away from you. Like when everyone at the table wieghed thier dicks to see if they would be heavyer than a carrot. This sort of machoism is the sort of thing that fills me with revulsion. However, when you look at the scene at all, that is how you are supposed to feel. These are sad sad sad little men...and one woman, who live horrible pathetic lives for my enjoyment. Yours to assuming you are into that sort of thing.
SPEAKING OF WHICH. Okay does everyone know the story of the funeral? Well here it goes.
There is this woman who had a family member recently pass away. While attending the funeral she meets the love of her life, her absolute grade A tripled distilled soul mate. Before the funeral ended however, she couldn't get his name or contact information. So she goes back to her life. Three weeks latter she killed her sister.
Why did she do it?
See now depending on the answer you give you have the potential to be a crazed killer. I didn't know this before I answered the question. I also gave the crazy person answer without missing a beat and I added a duh at the end. It makes perfect sense to me. Stupid psychology. Oh well.
And with that I will leave to work. Unless you are an asshole who I don't like I hope you have a good day.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
oc stuff
Relationships...some more
My Responces to the responces:
I know all three of you ranging from fairly well to extrodinarly well. So I can say with confidence that you all have diffrent idea of what a relationship is, what goes into one, what you can get out of one, and how one works.
I also see from the general responces that there is a great deal of disjunct from what I think is going on in relationships as a whole and your perceptions. So it is time to do some house cleaning.
I'm going to do Dana first because I can (that's what she said). Dana's ideas of intent are foward thinking and provide me for the foundation of what I am going to be writting about latter today but I ultimatly disagree with them strongly. Cheating based on intent, is a far to solopsistic view of relationships. Now lets all keep in mind that we are expected to keep a healthy amount of common sense when I am talking about this sort of stuff. If some drunken albino were to suddenly latch onto you and leave you a hicky from hell, then it isn't cheating. It is being attacked by a drunken albino. While Dana's model is simple enough to be functional it starts to fall apart when I start to talk about things like, "The human minds infinate ability to delude itself" as well as problems with excessive guilt even in the absence of crime". It is extreamly self reliant, which is cool, its one of the reaons why I like Dana, but to come up with an idea of what cheating is it isn't going to work. It doesn't adiquetly cover our societies inability to conceptualize cheating outside of certain boundaries: see pulp fiction and the foot massage. So the net needs to be cast outwards in order to better find where guilt comes from and how it functions within a relationship as a whole.
Marianne takes the opposite extreame and lists black and white rules under which things are just wrong. This is something she does. This view is far to restricitve though, and it is the sort of thing I gleefully crash throuigh. The whole thing sounds like a life or death contract thing. It isn't fluid and as situation as actual relationships are and as a result problems constantly crop up with her line of thinking. I could list a dozen or so but you'll all just have to trust me.
evan is in a similar situation that I tend to wander into. I tend to cuddle with people and then wander away because while I think it is nice I don't derive anything paticularly sexual from it, nor do I turn it into a sexual thing. It is just something that I end up doing with variouse people and I tend to not think anything more of it once I am done. Life has taught me that it is something I need to be wary of because people don't think like me, and I may be leading something on or fostering something that doesn't excist. However, it isn't something I am over bothered with. However, it is something that I would attach kinda wierd arbirtrary rules too. For example I would prefer if she didn't cuddle with other people while I was there without seeing if it is okay first or something like that.
So to make all of this work together I came up with VOCABULARY words! Woo! I also realized that starting with the idea of cheating is the wrong place to start. See I realized that people have only the fuzzest ideas of what relationships are and how they work. So they just muddle through them head first and everyone gets hurt in the end. These things happen.
In order to deceide what actually defines cheating, it is nessiary to do three things. One avoid the draconian law of marianne, Two avoid the rampant subjectablity of dana, and three we need to conceptualize what relationships actually are. So I've taken old words and given them new definitions.
Politics: politics is the new word for relationships. I need to make a clean break from the R word and so we are. Politics covers a far wider set of implications than the R word, including friends with benifits, poligamy relationships, friendships that acidently advance, and the whole range of other incidents that cause for two people to interconnect but relationships fail to cover. This does not include one night stands and the like but the sort of on going thing that your wider range of social contancts pick up/know about. NOTE it is not nessisary for there to actually be anything between two people in order for them to be in politics. I think the prime requisite of politics is that the greater social network takes notice of it. I'm not sure of that though and I think I am going to change it...when I need to.
Hooray for digital media!
The Outer Church: Or the OC for when I am feeling lazy. The outer church is now the greater social network that surrounds you and your partner(s). Sociologists define this phenomina as the tribe instinct and most people have on average of 250 people with whom they interact with in some form or another. Some people have more some less. The OC encompasses friends, family, thouse co-workers you talk to, and other people who are in a position to note the change in your relationship status.
We are going to have to do some bullet biting here. So when half of the anime club thinks Dana and I are dating because of the way we interact we have politics. The anime club is functioning as part of the outer church, when we explain that they are wrong and that we are just friends our politics comes to an end when the OC accepts the facts that we are just friends. As a possible addendum to the politics definition I might want to include the actual relationship as the final, least interesting, part of the idea for me. I'll figgure that out latter though.
If that example isn't clear then I'll add others once the confusion starts rolling in.
Now the outer church is the most important part of what I am going to be doing here today because it is the Outer Church that is most often neglected when the relationship comes up. It is important to distinguisth the diffrence between the outer church and society. They are two utterly diffrent things and it is perfectly possible to have an outer church that functions outside of society.
...you know this is 4 pages double spaced I am getting tired. I'll work on this more latter.
My Responces to the responces:
I know all three of you ranging from fairly well to extrodinarly well. So I can say with confidence that you all have diffrent idea of what a relationship is, what goes into one, what you can get out of one, and how one works.
I also see from the general responces that there is a great deal of disjunct from what I think is going on in relationships as a whole and your perceptions. So it is time to do some house cleaning.
I'm going to do Dana first because I can (that's what she said). Dana's ideas of intent are foward thinking and provide me for the foundation of what I am going to be writting about latter today but I ultimatly disagree with them strongly. Cheating based on intent, is a far to solopsistic view of relationships. Now lets all keep in mind that we are expected to keep a healthy amount of common sense when I am talking about this sort of stuff. If some drunken albino were to suddenly latch onto you and leave you a hicky from hell, then it isn't cheating. It is being attacked by a drunken albino. While Dana's model is simple enough to be functional it starts to fall apart when I start to talk about things like, "The human minds infinate ability to delude itself" as well as problems with excessive guilt even in the absence of crime". It is extreamly self reliant, which is cool, its one of the reaons why I like Dana, but to come up with an idea of what cheating is it isn't going to work. It doesn't adiquetly cover our societies inability to conceptualize cheating outside of certain boundaries: see pulp fiction and the foot massage. So the net needs to be cast outwards in order to better find where guilt comes from and how it functions within a relationship as a whole.
Marianne takes the opposite extreame and lists black and white rules under which things are just wrong. This is something she does. This view is far to restricitve though, and it is the sort of thing I gleefully crash throuigh. The whole thing sounds like a life or death contract thing. It isn't fluid and as situation as actual relationships are and as a result problems constantly crop up with her line of thinking. I could list a dozen or so but you'll all just have to trust me.
evan is in a similar situation that I tend to wander into. I tend to cuddle with people and then wander away because while I think it is nice I don't derive anything paticularly sexual from it, nor do I turn it into a sexual thing. It is just something that I end up doing with variouse people and I tend to not think anything more of it once I am done. Life has taught me that it is something I need to be wary of because people don't think like me, and I may be leading something on or fostering something that doesn't excist. However, it isn't something I am over bothered with. However, it is something that I would attach kinda wierd arbirtrary rules too. For example I would prefer if she didn't cuddle with other people while I was there without seeing if it is okay first or something like that.
So to make all of this work together I came up with VOCABULARY words! Woo! I also realized that starting with the idea of cheating is the wrong place to start. See I realized that people have only the fuzzest ideas of what relationships are and how they work. So they just muddle through them head first and everyone gets hurt in the end. These things happen.
In order to deceide what actually defines cheating, it is nessiary to do three things. One avoid the draconian law of marianne, Two avoid the rampant subjectablity of dana, and three we need to conceptualize what relationships actually are. So I've taken old words and given them new definitions.
Politics: politics is the new word for relationships. I need to make a clean break from the R word and so we are. Politics covers a far wider set of implications than the R word, including friends with benifits, poligamy relationships, friendships that acidently advance, and the whole range of other incidents that cause for two people to interconnect but relationships fail to cover. This does not include one night stands and the like but the sort of on going thing that your wider range of social contancts pick up/know about. NOTE it is not nessisary for there to actually be anything between two people in order for them to be in politics. I think the prime requisite of politics is that the greater social network takes notice of it. I'm not sure of that though and I think I am going to change it...when I need to.
Hooray for digital media!
The Outer Church: Or the OC for when I am feeling lazy. The outer church is now the greater social network that surrounds you and your partner(s). Sociologists define this phenomina as the tribe instinct and most people have on average of 250 people with whom they interact with in some form or another. Some people have more some less. The OC encompasses friends, family, thouse co-workers you talk to, and other people who are in a position to note the change in your relationship status.
We are going to have to do some bullet biting here. So when half of the anime club thinks Dana and I are dating because of the way we interact we have politics. The anime club is functioning as part of the outer church, when we explain that they are wrong and that we are just friends our politics comes to an end when the OC accepts the facts that we are just friends. As a possible addendum to the politics definition I might want to include the actual relationship as the final, least interesting, part of the idea for me. I'll figgure that out latter though.
If that example isn't clear then I'll add others once the confusion starts rolling in.
Now the outer church is the most important part of what I am going to be doing here today because it is the Outer Church that is most often neglected when the relationship comes up. It is important to distinguisth the diffrence between the outer church and society. They are two utterly diffrent things and it is perfectly possible to have an outer church that functions outside of society.
...you know this is 4 pages double spaced I am getting tired. I'll work on this more latter.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Me+Dana+politcs
Outer church+ Dana+ Me=politics
..>..>
Ugh I just made a theory joke using my own theory. I am going to fucking hell. So STAY BACK because if you think I am going without dragging a few people with me you are sorely mistaken.
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:14:28 PM): in reference to your blog:
so politics is something that comes to an end once the oc realizes that there is no politics?
in other words, politics exist only so long as they are recognized by the group?
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:14:28 PM): in reference to your blog:
so politics is something that comes to an end once the oc realizes that there is no politics?
in other words, politics exist only so long as they are recognized by the group?
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:15:20 PM): I think that is what I ended up deciding while I was at work today
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:15:33 PM): it is possible for a relationship to excist in a pure form
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:15:49 PM): but as soon as it becomes recognized by the OC then it becomes politics
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:16:02 PM): what do you mean by pure form?
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:16:53 PM): like the time between when you start a relationship with someone and the time when somone else finds out about it
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:17:31 PM): I've never seen it happen and that paticular idea excists only for contrast
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:17:50 PM): ohhh!
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:19:16 PM): yeah I mean its nearly impossible
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:19:33 PM): what about the two people in the relationship before the news gets around. does their knowing create politics?
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:19:46 PM): as soon as someone says "hey you should meet htis guy Adam" then your activities become monitored
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:19:59 PM): hmm.
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:20:09 PM): see these two people would have to be in a bloody vaccume
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:20:34 PM): because the monitoring process effects everything somehow
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:20:57 PM): that's so true. before anyone knew adam and i liked each other, they already knew before.
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:20:57 PM): ...to do better than "somehow" I need to do some extra reading
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:22:14 PM): this kinda reminds me of cause and effect
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:22:35 PM): the effect comes first. like a pin prick.
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:23:04 PM): eh sorta but definatly less a/b causal than that
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:23:27 PM): for the sake of contrast.
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:23:31 PM): ah yeah
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:24:21 PM): so kinda like a network of cause and effect.
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:25:14 PM): yeah more or less
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:25:27 PM): but I like to think of it more as a network of self regulation
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:25:33 PM): fascinating
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:25:34 PM): but I didn't get around to really explaining that
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:26:25 PM): i almost left a comment asking you to explain and then realized that i'd get immediate gratification just IMing
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:26:46 PM): well you are lucky I was paying atension
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:27:03 PM): indeed
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:27:22 PM): so explain a network of self-regulation
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:28:04 PM): alright hold on one second
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:28:45 PM): k.
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:28:46 PM): I was playing a video game and I needed to exit it
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:28:53 PM): haha
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:30:38 PM): alright the idea behind the outer church is that it is your group of people you end up associating with
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:30:46 PM): I said that much
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:30:49 PM): right
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:31:18 PM): now these people influence your life
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:31:26 PM): you associate with them because you like them
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:31:32 PM): respect them
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:31:34 PM): et cetera
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:31:35 PM): generally
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:31:41 PM): teehee
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:32:06 PM): well the people you don't like generally aren't included in the OC because they are easter to say fuck off too
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:32:16 PM): right
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:32:18 PM): anyway, all groups of people have a dynamic
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:32:31 PM): there are rules to follow and obey
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:32:51 PM): they are just certain codes that everyone follows
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:33:00 PM): like not buying the same shirt as someone else
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:33:20 PM): hmm
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:34:15 PM): there are lots of these little rules
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:34:49 PM): so cheating would be anything that goes against the group codes and variations
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:35:06 PM): erm...that is a part of it
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:35:22 PM): lets say I was dating someone
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:35:26 PM): then I slept with somoene else
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:35:38 PM): right
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:36:07 PM): if my OC hated my current girlfriend but loved the girl I cheated on her with then there is a chance that... argh I need to back up
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:36:45 PM): when you form a new politics the whole staus quo changes and there are usually massive shifts within the OC should the politics percist
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:36:52 PM): you've seen this yourself
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:37:07 PM): yea
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:37:11 PM): you have new people in your life that weren't there before, new people who you care about and they care about you
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:38:02 PM): as a result everything you do within your political unit matters
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:38:10 PM): right
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:38:11 PM): to the people aorund you in term of the status quo
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:38:42 PM): if I were to cheat on my said girlfriend with someone else it would cause a tidle wave of shit both within the OC
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:39:02 PM): this would be espcially true if it was with another memeber of the OC
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:39:12 PM): true
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:39:13 PM): ...I think
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:40:25 PM): now if the group hated my girlfriend but loved the girl I sorta fucked on the side...it wouldn't be cheating per say because it would be the groups best interest that I be with this other girl
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:40:42 PM): i disagree
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:40:43 PM): but it would still be cheating
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:41:05 PM): right
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:41:16 PM): the outer church has a regulatory function not a moral one
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:41:57 PM): the inverse of what I just described is where it is at though
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:42:05 PM): where they see something as cheating when it isn't
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:44:29 PM): then they start doing this wierd judgemental thing where they are looking out for the interest of the group when there is no interest needing to be looked out for
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:45:42 PM): so the inverse is the policing of someone's behavior if it is in violation of the code whether or not they are in the OC?
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:46:05 PM): if only by extension that is
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:47:11 PM): the inverse I was talking about was the inverse of the example whereas before I was cheating on my gf with someone else...now I am not cheating but everyone thinks so
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:47:20 PM): the policing is still going to happen no matter what
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:47:42 PM): one of the wierd things about this is that it is really turning my ideas regarding self interest on its head
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:48:05 PM): how do you mean?
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:48:07 PM): other people's relationships form this whole group menality around people
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:48:21 PM): you know self interest, selfishness, all these things
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:48:40 PM): look at me I am a loner, I'm sitting in my tailer playing video games not talking to anyone untill you came along
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:48:49 PM): but this is all group group group
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:49:02 PM): so much of it isn't about the individual
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:49:25 PM): and being anti individual is practicaly being anti american
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:49:50 PM): almost communist
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:50:14 PM): eh more mob mentality actually
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:50:32 PM): hence, almost
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:50:54 PM): I called it the outer church because there is a definate hiarchy involved
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:51:07 PM): sometimes there a definate leaders
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:51:23 PM): they are in of themselves their own microcosmic society
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:51:34 PM): anime club is such a great example
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:51:42 PM): there you go
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:51:57 PM): an even better example would be the group of us ourside of the library
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:52:02 PM): but you don't go there
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:52:18 PM): i do on tuesdays and thursdays
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:52:35 PM): oh is Ian there?
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:52:57 PM): i have no idea. i'm a low man on the totem pole
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:53:14 PM): heh ian is regulatory function incarnate
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:53:21 PM): its one of the reasons why I like him
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:54:12 PM): http://www.myspace.com/self_aware_object
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:54:30 PM): great html
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:55:10 PM): i saw him the last time i was there. i thought he seemed like a prick
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:55:30 PM): he is but that is also why I like him alot
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:55:35 PM): he makes no bones about it
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:56:00 PM): i saw him as i was saying hi to tyler
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:56:40 PM): I don't know who that is
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:57:00 PM): anyway I realized that I actually need to do reading to figgure out some of the ins and outs of this
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:57:13 PM): I need to dig out my copy of violence and the sacred
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:57:25 PM): and I think I will end up reading disciplin and punishC0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:58:12 PM): because I think there is ALOT to be said about the punitive function of the OC
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:58:39 PM): no doubt.
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:59:00 PM): you should write a book about your theory
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:59:27 PM): heh I was thinking that, but I need to start assembling a bibliography
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:59:37 PM): and start backing up some of the claims
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:59:43 PM): like the 250 people thing is real
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (11:59:48 PM): I just need to go find it
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:00:38 AM): but yeah I'm kinda excited because it feels like theory...only fun because I'm writting it
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:02:13 AM): it is very fascinating. when you do ever get around to writing it, you have to let me read it first
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:02:43 AM): well you'd prolly be involved throughout the whole process
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:02:59 AM): its not the sort of thing you can do without constant criticism
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:03:11 AM): i can so do that.
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:04:11 AM): i should really just bite the bullet and do what i wanted to do before and start a publishing house
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:04:45 AM): maybe someone will die and leave me money!! (wishful thinking)
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:04:53 AM): that's horible
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:05:06 AM): it was supposed to be funny
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:05:12 AM): you should just start researching grants
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:05:20 AM): there is tons of money for stuff like this
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:05:48 AM): ...oh heh I take dreams seriously
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:07:46 AM): yes. i should. but right now. i need to sleep because i need to wake up at an ungodly hour and write a two page critical response to foucault.
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:08:17 AM): why not just do it now?
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:08:18 AM): i guess i'll see you tomorrow at school?
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:08:25 AM): I should be there
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:08:39 AM): I have your ziezak or however the hell you spell his name
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:08:55 AM): because i'm just getting over a severe migraine and the last thing i need to do is strain my eyes
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:16 AM): ah I'm posting most of this conversation by the way
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:24 AM): oh great. can't wait
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:33 AM): because I can't be bothered to translate it
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:36 AM): that's fine
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:41 AM): into a single post
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:45 AM): yay thanks
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:55 AM): okay go to bed
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:59 AM): and wake up
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:09:59 AM): night
C0MTE<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:10:05 AM): see you tomarrow
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:10:06 AM): i wil
CherryTree654<..timestamp style="display: inline; font-size: 11px;"> (12:10:13 AM): ttyl
OC you and a little James Brown too
Every time I tried to explain this concept I have fucked it up I'm sure if any of tie made it here but I have tried to do that quite a few times now and it hasn't worked any of them. Today I figgured out how to do it while I was trying to distract myself from unhappy things. Before I go on with anything I would like to say that just because the band has a cool name doesn't mean they are good. Which is a shame, I had so much hope for "Cool Kids of Death". Oh well.
Oh and in other news I am reading a book called Extremely Loud Increadbly Close, a book recommended to me by both Sasha and Blyn. I can see why Blyn likes it, it has her written all over it. Hell I can almost hear her lectures in my head as I am reading the book, which is a disorienting though, especially when I tell her to be quiet. I feel increadbly bad telling Blyn to be quiet even when she is just a disembodied voice inside my head making the book I am reading more enjoyable. Anyway it is amazing you should read it, it feels like a less Angry Transmetropolitian. I don't even know how that works, I think I just made a logical leap that is impossible for everyone else to follow. Oh well looks like you are going to have to read transmetorpolitan to find out. I should re read them, they are some of the best books ever written.
So anyway as I was talking to Dana some months ago I realized that the relationship to everything I think and society needs to be clairfied because she got it increadbly wrong. First and formost take your preconcieved ideas about society and remove them. I shouldn't have to tell you this but do it anyway. To make evan happy I am not making up a new word for this, but I am also not dealing with all of your baggage either. The whole concept of "society is to blame" or "society keeps me down" its all garbage. Society is an empty set. An inert force... jesus winamp enough with the queen... it has no more ability to determine the course of your actions than a book, or video game. For the initiated read society as a text.
We are no more bound by its dictates than we are by an EULA, book of manners, or the manual which tells you how to put something together. It is only when the variouse OC's interavt with society do results become manifest. Large noisy groups will certainly tell you how things are supposed to be, "man woman marriage, black people in the ghetto, aids for gays, scarlet A's for abortions" et cetera what have you. None of this is society though, it is just a group of OC that has the volume control turned all the way up.
Now Baulch has made me acutely aware that I am a white middle class male and even as I sit in my lower income housing listening to my tribal fusion music I am still coming from a white middle class male perspective. As such I don't expect you to take my word for it. So to bring this outer church thing home I am going to give you some examples.
There is something in society that frowns upon the gay. Many outer churches are banded together for the very purpose of frowning upon gay people...because you know the fact that there are men that like to touch each other penisis is more important than say would hunger. You know just sayin. And hold on I am about to go into whirrlewind mode. However, there is nothing in socierty that says it is okay to torture and murder people who are diffrent that you. Yes there was a time where that was okay but thiat is long since gone. So when a group of kids torture and take turns branding a couple oif gay kids they find...they get arrested and put through the leagal system and optimally put in jail. They have crossed a line. Now somewhere society says that it is okay to put pressure on the gay. I don't know where because unlike a book society isn't written out. Yet despite this allowable pressure there excists SanFransisco, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Memorialday Pensacola, Gay Pride Parades, The Kinsy Sicks, Drag Queens, To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Numar, and more debatably Brookback Mountain. Despite the allowable pressure that society enables us to wield often times it sin't. Some people are leery of the gay, some don't care, and for some going to the "gay" club has become a pass time. It comes into gasion and goes out of it with the passing of the agaes. Some centureis vagianl sex is all the rage, and others...it is that thing you do because you want another son.
When you look at our cultural moment you see that the gay is dispersed all over the country, accepted in some places more than others, and in some places that you wouldn't expect at all. Then there is friece resistence to it too, sometimes within the same geographic area. Is this to say that society is felt more in some places than others? Or rather the pressures excerted by society are felt in some places more than others? Or maybe society just isn't equal everywhere like for thouse backwards folks in the south? Or maybe we should all just fess up and admit that society doesn't excist the way we like to think it does.
Now just to clarify I am talking about society as a morally regulating function.
Anywho. The acceptance of the gay isn't something that varies from one geographic area to the next, but from one OC to the next. You could be with one OC and they won't bat an eye when you start making out with one or more guys. On the other hand there are other groups of people who will kill you for doing so. HOw do we account for scoeity when these same OC's live within walking distance of each other. There is something alluering in reffrencing something larger than ourselves to back up our own opinion.
"The gay ain't right cause it just ain't natural. Its in the bible"
See natual and the bible you don't get much larger than that now do you? The point is though that when you come down to it, really come down to it all opinions of a morlaistic fasion really come down to you, and your fear of judgement from the people around you. Take this back down to cheating. Ask around, "Eating ain't cheating", "diffrent area codes", "two girls making out isn't cheating", "I was drunk"...et cetera. While some people find exception to some of these situation other people will find that they have fallen back on them at one point or another.
Oh shit there is something I forgot to do...what was it. Stalling. It is easy for me to talk about the pressures on the gay. After all I am white, straight, and middle class. I can talk about pressures all day long because I don't REALLY feel any. What I am saying in NO way midigates the pressures put on the gay. Instead I am mearly relocating the pressurues felt onto the people directly around them, and within themselves. Society (here it is) is seen as this all prevasive thing and no matter where you go this is how things will be. Now lets fact it, this just isn't bloody true. If it were true then the moral values of one group of people would be identical to the next, as would thier reasoning behind it. That just isn't true, you can figgure that out (I hope) from talking to your parents for 15 minuts.
To say that we are defined by society is false. It is like saying we are being defined by a book. I also bet we all have diffrent ideas as to what sociery says about any given number of topics. I want society removed from the picture as a defining force because I belive that it is an empty disembodied concept that we like to foist blame or explanitory force onto.
So what are we defined by? We are defined by the OC far more than anything else. It is from them that we get our idea of what society is telling us. Ity is also from them that the grey areas get filled in, like say for example, " I rubbed some guys feet for an hour even though I have a foot fetish, is that cheating"
We have the basic rule don't fuck/heavy pet outside of relationships. But when things get complicated where do we turn? The OC.
What is the point of all of this? It is the fact that the OC has no more, or less authority over anything than you do in your own politics. I am going to start redefining power as soon as I finnish Extreamly Loud and Increadbly Close and pick back up Discipline and Punish.
Oh and in other news I am reading a book called Extremely Loud Increadbly Close, a book recommended to me by both Sasha and Blyn. I can see why Blyn likes it, it has her written all over it. Hell I can almost hear her lectures in my head as I am reading the book, which is a disorienting though, especially when I tell her to be quiet. I feel increadbly bad telling Blyn to be quiet even when she is just a disembodied voice inside my head making the book I am reading more enjoyable. Anyway it is amazing you should read it, it feels like a less Angry Transmetropolitian. I don't even know how that works, I think I just made a logical leap that is impossible for everyone else to follow. Oh well looks like you are going to have to read transmetorpolitan to find out. I should re read them, they are some of the best books ever written.
So anyway as I was talking to Dana some months ago I realized that the relationship to everything I think and society needs to be clairfied because she got it increadbly wrong. First and formost take your preconcieved ideas about society and remove them. I shouldn't have to tell you this but do it anyway. To make evan happy I am not making up a new word for this, but I am also not dealing with all of your baggage either. The whole concept of "society is to blame" or "society keeps me down" its all garbage. Society is an empty set. An inert force... jesus winamp enough with the queen... it has no more ability to determine the course of your actions than a book, or video game. For the initiated read society as a text.
We are no more bound by its dictates than we are by an EULA, book of manners, or the manual which tells you how to put something together. It is only when the variouse OC's interavt with society do results become manifest. Large noisy groups will certainly tell you how things are supposed to be, "man woman marriage, black people in the ghetto, aids for gays, scarlet A's for abortions" et cetera what have you. None of this is society though, it is just a group of OC that has the volume control turned all the way up.
Now Baulch has made me acutely aware that I am a white middle class male and even as I sit in my lower income housing listening to my tribal fusion music I am still coming from a white middle class male perspective. As such I don't expect you to take my word for it. So to bring this outer church thing home I am going to give you some examples.
There is something in society that frowns upon the gay. Many outer churches are banded together for the very purpose of frowning upon gay people...because you know the fact that there are men that like to touch each other penisis is more important than say would hunger. You know just sayin. And hold on I am about to go into whirrlewind mode. However, there is nothing in socierty that says it is okay to torture and murder people who are diffrent that you. Yes there was a time where that was okay but thiat is long since gone. So when a group of kids torture and take turns branding a couple oif gay kids they find...they get arrested and put through the leagal system and optimally put in jail. They have crossed a line. Now somewhere society says that it is okay to put pressure on the gay. I don't know where because unlike a book society isn't written out. Yet despite this allowable pressure there excists SanFransisco, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Memorialday Pensacola, Gay Pride Parades, The Kinsy Sicks, Drag Queens, To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Numar, and more debatably Brookback Mountain. Despite the allowable pressure that society enables us to wield often times it sin't. Some people are leery of the gay, some don't care, and for some going to the "gay" club has become a pass time. It comes into gasion and goes out of it with the passing of the agaes. Some centureis vagianl sex is all the rage, and others...it is that thing you do because you want another son.
When you look at our cultural moment you see that the gay is dispersed all over the country, accepted in some places more than others, and in some places that you wouldn't expect at all. Then there is friece resistence to it too, sometimes within the same geographic area. Is this to say that society is felt more in some places than others? Or rather the pressures excerted by society are felt in some places more than others? Or maybe society just isn't equal everywhere like for thouse backwards folks in the south? Or maybe we should all just fess up and admit that society doesn't excist the way we like to think it does.
Now just to clarify I am talking about society as a morally regulating function.
Anywho. The acceptance of the gay isn't something that varies from one geographic area to the next, but from one OC to the next. You could be with one OC and they won't bat an eye when you start making out with one or more guys. On the other hand there are other groups of people who will kill you for doing so. HOw do we account for scoeity when these same OC's live within walking distance of each other. There is something alluering in reffrencing something larger than ourselves to back up our own opinion.
"The gay ain't right cause it just ain't natural. Its in the bible"
See natual and the bible you don't get much larger than that now do you? The point is though that when you come down to it, really come down to it all opinions of a morlaistic fasion really come down to you, and your fear of judgement from the people around you. Take this back down to cheating. Ask around, "Eating ain't cheating", "diffrent area codes", "two girls making out isn't cheating", "I was drunk"...et cetera. While some people find exception to some of these situation other people will find that they have fallen back on them at one point or another.
Oh shit there is something I forgot to do...what was it. Stalling. It is easy for me to talk about the pressures on the gay. After all I am white, straight, and middle class. I can talk about pressures all day long because I don't REALLY feel any. What I am saying in NO way midigates the pressures put on the gay. Instead I am mearly relocating the pressurues felt onto the people directly around them, and within themselves. Society (here it is) is seen as this all prevasive thing and no matter where you go this is how things will be. Now lets fact it, this just isn't bloody true. If it were true then the moral values of one group of people would be identical to the next, as would thier reasoning behind it. That just isn't true, you can figgure that out (I hope) from talking to your parents for 15 minuts.
To say that we are defined by society is false. It is like saying we are being defined by a book. I also bet we all have diffrent ideas as to what sociery says about any given number of topics. I want society removed from the picture as a defining force because I belive that it is an empty disembodied concept that we like to foist blame or explanitory force onto.
So what are we defined by? We are defined by the OC far more than anything else. It is from them that we get our idea of what society is telling us. Ity is also from them that the grey areas get filled in, like say for example, " I rubbed some guys feet for an hour even though I have a foot fetish, is that cheating"
We have the basic rule don't fuck/heavy pet outside of relationships. But when things get complicated where do we turn? The OC.
What is the point of all of this? It is the fact that the OC has no more, or less authority over anything than you do in your own politics. I am going to start redefining power as soon as I finnish Extreamly Loud and Increadbly Close and pick back up Discipline and Punish.
sick and tired
Heh this isn't actually my mental state I am just actually sick and tired. I am not sick in the "ill" sick. Rather I have a fairly nasty migrain. So for the evening I am more or less debilitated. This is an ironic state of being. See normally these things are triggered by lack of sleep. But last week you would have to add more than half of the week together in order to scrounge up 8 hours of uniterupted sleep. This week I've gone to bed at relativly modest times and now here I am half dead with pain. Ironic.
I've learned something about myself which should be faily obviouse to anyone paying any sort of mild attension. I've learned something else. There are people out there. Some of them are amazing. Some of them are so amazing that sometimes when I am without them I feel sad when I am alone. See most times I come home, I plop doiwn in whatever room I happen to be living in at the time and I pick an activity and do that until it is time for a new activity. I've always been much happyer being alone than a normal person should be. I see how my friends act when they are lonely and for the most part I simply can't understand how they feel. All I can do is offer my prescense and hope that is enough. These people though, the ones that can actually make me feel alone...they are scary to me. Its hard to go back, but it is even harder to deal with sub par shoddy crap.
This isn't very happy is it? I'm sorry. But I am also in increadble pain at the moment and I can't sleep because it hurts so much. I used to think that when I had a girlfriend that I would have someone to hold me though the pain. It never worked out like that though. OH JESUS that just sounded like a suicide note. Edgad I am not that bad off. Heh Edgad man is that a fun word to type. I love words you know?
Secret time: If you say a certain word in a certain way it turns me on. Its a diffrent word for everyone. The last time it happened it was myopic. When she said that I just wanted to leap through the phone and...well do things. I get kinda funny when I am in pain.
One of the most painful things I have ever endured in my entire life is shingles sex. For thouse of you that don't know shingles is when your chicken pox mutate and attack your immune system. It is increadbly painful, not painful like what I am going through right now...there is no nausia for one. I hate nausia. No this is like a constant burining pain that is also stabbing...and man well everything sucks. I don't even know how the damn thing worked under thouse conditions, but I did it. I don't think I ever admitted how much that hurt. Well if FUCKING DID. I'm glad I did it though. I've always had a funny relationship to pain. I just spent the las two hours curled up in a ball with the lights off. I am not asleep and that doens't look like that is going to be happening any time soon. So I might as well ramble. Ramble ramble, ramble is more fun to say than it is to type.
The cool thing about a migrain is that it is impossibnle to be depressed in the middle of one. You just don't care enough about anything to be depressed. You just want the pain to go away. And to stop feeling nausiiouse...man I'd rather go blind than deal with that crap. My mom goes blind every once in awhile from migrains. It will prolly happen to me too. Ever sinc eit happened to her the first time I learned how to get around my house without seeing. That is why the floor is always so messy, I only step in certain parts of it anyway. I am wierd though.
The sad though about being alone isn't when it happens because when it happens it happens. It isn't the memories because I always like looking back and smilieng at the good times. No it is when you can feel it coming. The time when you are no longer needed and you go back to being alone. Astute people will try to make the connection with sasha. That is half true. It goes much much further than that. My parents for example make me feel alone. When I get done talking to them I feel so utterly alienated from the rest of the world that I have no idea what to do with myself. It is especially bad when I talk to my step mom. There is a woman who I have lived with for most of my life and I just don't understand her and I never will. I feel like a nonm biological obligation to her rather than anything else. So good guess with the sasha thing, but its really my step mom that brought all this on.
I just can't bring myself to connect with thouse people, even though I can see how much they want to connect with me. It is so desperate, and hesitent because they don't know how and niether do I but we all know just how tenuouse things are between everyone. She Wants Revenge sure does like thier intros don't they. I should be focuseing on something happyer but I can't get my step parents out of my head. The funny thing is that I literally drop what I am doing to help out thouse who ask me for it. But I don't know how to ask anyone for anything and as a result I always do nights like this alone. I don't mind though. I don't like inflicting my dark evenings on the others. Sure sure I like to leave little records of these outings lying around but I don't know why I do it.
Actually I think I deleae most of these things before they get posted. I think I'll post this one though. God damn my head.
One of the most human things that ever happened to me was compliments of Charise. There is only one person who reads this thing regualrly who knows who that is, and that would be evan. Everyone look at him. There was one time...lior was in isreal doing his lior things and he was about to head home. One night Charese sighned one and asked me to hope for him and his safe return. If I felt better I would make a bigger deal about this. The fact is that she had no religion to sum up her feelings, aka pray, but regardless she wanted someome to deliberatly hope for his retun with her. It was one of the purest things that has ever happened to me. I keep that moment within me and every time I wish someone well I think of that moment, that moment of utter humanuity where bereft of any greater divinity or moralistic god head, we just wanted him to get home safe. At the time I felt absurde doing it, I'll admit. But I did it. I did it because she asked me too, and I couldn't see the harm in not doing it.
Sasha is in mexico, she should be returning soon, I hope she comes back alright and I hope that she is better than when I left her.
I would like our friendship to contiune on afterward but it isn't something I hope for because that is the most preciouse of all desires and I keep that one only for other people's well beings.
I need to refridgerate the milk. Never has my trailor felt so vast in my fucking life. Oh well I need to forcus. See here is the thing. The reason why I am writting this is because it keeps it down, the pain that is. I don't know what it is. There is just something about writting that keeps me whole during this long dark night. Maybe that is why I like to be alone during times like this, because ultimatly I am the only one who can keep myself together or some shit like that. Man that is a lonoenly thought but lets face it, every time I dump my trust in people i hasn't worked out to well for me. The most painful think is watching that person turn into the person you always knew they were once you screpped off all the dumb shit holding them down.
You can't change a person, but sometimes you can lightten thier baggage train. I know you can I've done it. Of course I've also increased it. But no one is perfect so cut me some slack.
On a random whim just beforee I typed all of this I joined a bunch of random blog groups. I don't know why, I hope they aren't lame. I would like to do so much. And I can't even muster the strength to get up and put the damn milk away. To set the recod staight I was nausiouse before the milk and cookies happened. But I figgured is I am going to feel sick than I am going to feel oreos as well. I mean there is a point where worse is a relativbe term. I alway thought it would be funny if a BDSM nut got captured by the enemy and tortured. I mean what would they do?
:"Erm we are doing elector shock on him now"
"and"
"He got an erection and asked us to put another set of clamps on his testicles"
Heh I think it would be funny. God I hate this song. Downloading the Cradle of Filth discography was more or less a mistake. I really only love three of thier cds, the rest can go burn in hell. On that note I really like type o negative and the next time I lean fowards I am going to try to download some. I lost my virginity to them you leave me alone. I used to be afrtaid when I got migrains because I get really tried and I would close my eyes and yet I wouldn't sleep. When I was little I thought I was dying and so in my head I would say good bye to everyone I cared about just in case. Man I am sure there is something in all of that. It is just that I care very deeply for the people around me but abosent and present. I just suck,
Now both my hands hurt on top of everything else. YAY! Woo I've leaned fowards and my reward was a dizzy spell, a near vomiting insident, and I forgot what the hell I leaned foward to do in the first place. Man I can't do anything like this except babble and I don't even know if it is coherent. I don't care, this sucks. I don't hate it though. I think it is beautiful in a way, I can't explain it but it is. I promise. Man I think it is time for the bath room.
I've learned something about myself which should be faily obviouse to anyone paying any sort of mild attension. I've learned something else. There are people out there. Some of them are amazing. Some of them are so amazing that sometimes when I am without them I feel sad when I am alone. See most times I come home, I plop doiwn in whatever room I happen to be living in at the time and I pick an activity and do that until it is time for a new activity. I've always been much happyer being alone than a normal person should be. I see how my friends act when they are lonely and for the most part I simply can't understand how they feel. All I can do is offer my prescense and hope that is enough. These people though, the ones that can actually make me feel alone...they are scary to me. Its hard to go back, but it is even harder to deal with sub par shoddy crap.
This isn't very happy is it? I'm sorry. But I am also in increadble pain at the moment and I can't sleep because it hurts so much. I used to think that when I had a girlfriend that I would have someone to hold me though the pain. It never worked out like that though. OH JESUS that just sounded like a suicide note. Edgad I am not that bad off. Heh Edgad man is that a fun word to type. I love words you know?
Secret time: If you say a certain word in a certain way it turns me on. Its a diffrent word for everyone. The last time it happened it was myopic. When she said that I just wanted to leap through the phone and...well do things. I get kinda funny when I am in pain.
One of the most painful things I have ever endured in my entire life is shingles sex. For thouse of you that don't know shingles is when your chicken pox mutate and attack your immune system. It is increadbly painful, not painful like what I am going through right now...there is no nausia for one. I hate nausia. No this is like a constant burining pain that is also stabbing...and man well everything sucks. I don't even know how the damn thing worked under thouse conditions, but I did it. I don't think I ever admitted how much that hurt. Well if FUCKING DID. I'm glad I did it though. I've always had a funny relationship to pain. I just spent the las two hours curled up in a ball with the lights off. I am not asleep and that doens't look like that is going to be happening any time soon. So I might as well ramble. Ramble ramble, ramble is more fun to say than it is to type.
The cool thing about a migrain is that it is impossibnle to be depressed in the middle of one. You just don't care enough about anything to be depressed. You just want the pain to go away. And to stop feeling nausiiouse...man I'd rather go blind than deal with that crap. My mom goes blind every once in awhile from migrains. It will prolly happen to me too. Ever sinc eit happened to her the first time I learned how to get around my house without seeing. That is why the floor is always so messy, I only step in certain parts of it anyway. I am wierd though.
The sad though about being alone isn't when it happens because when it happens it happens. It isn't the memories because I always like looking back and smilieng at the good times. No it is when you can feel it coming. The time when you are no longer needed and you go back to being alone. Astute people will try to make the connection with sasha. That is half true. It goes much much further than that. My parents for example make me feel alone. When I get done talking to them I feel so utterly alienated from the rest of the world that I have no idea what to do with myself. It is especially bad when I talk to my step mom. There is a woman who I have lived with for most of my life and I just don't understand her and I never will. I feel like a nonm biological obligation to her rather than anything else. So good guess with the sasha thing, but its really my step mom that brought all this on.
I just can't bring myself to connect with thouse people, even though I can see how much they want to connect with me. It is so desperate, and hesitent because they don't know how and niether do I but we all know just how tenuouse things are between everyone. She Wants Revenge sure does like thier intros don't they. I should be focuseing on something happyer but I can't get my step parents out of my head. The funny thing is that I literally drop what I am doing to help out thouse who ask me for it. But I don't know how to ask anyone for anything and as a result I always do nights like this alone. I don't mind though. I don't like inflicting my dark evenings on the others. Sure sure I like to leave little records of these outings lying around but I don't know why I do it.
Actually I think I deleae most of these things before they get posted. I think I'll post this one though. God damn my head.
One of the most human things that ever happened to me was compliments of Charise. There is only one person who reads this thing regualrly who knows who that is, and that would be evan. Everyone look at him. There was one time...lior was in isreal doing his lior things and he was about to head home. One night Charese sighned one and asked me to hope for him and his safe return. If I felt better I would make a bigger deal about this. The fact is that she had no religion to sum up her feelings, aka pray, but regardless she wanted someome to deliberatly hope for his retun with her. It was one of the purest things that has ever happened to me. I keep that moment within me and every time I wish someone well I think of that moment, that moment of utter humanuity where bereft of any greater divinity or moralistic god head, we just wanted him to get home safe. At the time I felt absurde doing it, I'll admit. But I did it. I did it because she asked me too, and I couldn't see the harm in not doing it.
Sasha is in mexico, she should be returning soon, I hope she comes back alright and I hope that she is better than when I left her.
I would like our friendship to contiune on afterward but it isn't something I hope for because that is the most preciouse of all desires and I keep that one only for other people's well beings.
I need to refridgerate the milk. Never has my trailor felt so vast in my fucking life. Oh well I need to forcus. See here is the thing. The reason why I am writting this is because it keeps it down, the pain that is. I don't know what it is. There is just something about writting that keeps me whole during this long dark night. Maybe that is why I like to be alone during times like this, because ultimatly I am the only one who can keep myself together or some shit like that. Man that is a lonoenly thought but lets face it, every time I dump my trust in people i hasn't worked out to well for me. The most painful think is watching that person turn into the person you always knew they were once you screpped off all the dumb shit holding them down.
You can't change a person, but sometimes you can lightten thier baggage train. I know you can I've done it. Of course I've also increased it. But no one is perfect so cut me some slack.
On a random whim just beforee I typed all of this I joined a bunch of random blog groups. I don't know why, I hope they aren't lame. I would like to do so much. And I can't even muster the strength to get up and put the damn milk away. To set the recod staight I was nausiouse before the milk and cookies happened. But I figgured is I am going to feel sick than I am going to feel oreos as well. I mean there is a point where worse is a relativbe term. I alway thought it would be funny if a BDSM nut got captured by the enemy and tortured. I mean what would they do?
:"Erm we are doing elector shock on him now"
"and"
"He got an erection and asked us to put another set of clamps on his testicles"
Heh I think it would be funny. God I hate this song. Downloading the Cradle of Filth discography was more or less a mistake. I really only love three of thier cds, the rest can go burn in hell. On that note I really like type o negative and the next time I lean fowards I am going to try to download some. I lost my virginity to them you leave me alone. I used to be afrtaid when I got migrains because I get really tried and I would close my eyes and yet I wouldn't sleep. When I was little I thought I was dying and so in my head I would say good bye to everyone I cared about just in case. Man I am sure there is something in all of that. It is just that I care very deeply for the people around me but abosent and present. I just suck,
Now both my hands hurt on top of everything else. YAY! Woo I've leaned fowards and my reward was a dizzy spell, a near vomiting insident, and I forgot what the hell I leaned foward to do in the first place. Man I can't do anything like this except babble and I don't even know if it is coherent. I don't care, this sucks. I don't hate it though. I think it is beautiful in a way, I can't explain it but it is. I promise. Man I think it is time for the bath room.
100 bullets, 87 are for overkill
Elapsed time it has taken to get used to new tiny keyboard: 3 hours or so. Man now that I am used to it though I am well on my way. I've already produced a few pages of rpg materials and here I am typing up a second blog entry. The one and only snag I've encounted so far is that the battery doesn't fully charge. Still one visit to amazon this morning and that problem should be fixed within 3-5 buisness days. All in all the great pocket pc exparament is looking to be a fantastic sucess. Woo hoo. I mean after all I could be spending that money on magic cards and that is what is really important. Magic cards.
On that note for my birthday I bought myself a box of magic cards, now there are few things in life that I find more decadent than opening up a box of magic cards. There is just something beautiful about the whole thing. I got some fantastic stuff out of it, a lot of really good white cards actually which is wierd because that is the colour that I am least likely to play. I don't know why, white can do some snazzy things, it is just that I would rather play blue/black any day of the week. There is just something about that colour combination that I find pleasing on an aesthtic level along with its obviouse practical applications. The set itself has one of the most amazing designs ever to it. Essentially these little hobbit motherfuckers got tired of having thier asses kicked, went crazy and took over the world. Go little hobbit folk of all the things I expected to happen that wasn't one of them. The art direction for the set is beautiful and I can't wait for some of the wall papers to come out. Especially the scarecrows which are awesome super sexy.
While I am talking aboiut birthday presents I also ordered a metric fuckton of graphic novels. Most of it is 1oo bullets which is one of the most epicly amazing things I have ever read.
Now onto the real part of the blog. I kinda hate 100 bullets because it has exposed me as a racist fuck. Well that is only slightly true, for the most part I am not, I don't care what colour, creed, or gender you are, I just want to have good conversations, play magic, and video games. The diffrence is that 100 bullets is very much an urban book. Most of the stories I have encountered thus far are about black inner city folks killing each other. Now for the most part this is something I don't care about.
I should care about this. I really should, I mean there are children out there shooting at each other over street corrners so that mildly older children can sell drugs on them. The inner city just sort of overwhelms me. I can understand that being poor is hard, and that sometimes you might need to steal and or murder to survive, but the whole gang thing? I just can't respect its excistence. Initiation murders, machosim, and all that crap that gangsta rap, says is everything that I am so firmly against. On a lark I've read some urban fiction and it neatly encapsulates everything I find wrong with the culture, namely materialism.
So when 100 bullets uses this environment as its setting it immeadiatly turned me off. It turned me off pretty hard too. I always felt disturbed by it too, because all of these feelings I am expressing right now are troublesome to me. I am essentially writting off so many people as culturaly, asetheticly, and interpersonally. I've never met an actual thug, but I've met enough wannabies to make me wonder what the hell is going on with people that they would care so little about thier lives.
So time passes, like a year, and I decide to give the series another shot. I picked another book, still distinctly urban in nature, and I loved it. I loved it because it took all that gangster shit and made them look horridly stupid. Not in the aspect that you shouldn't commit crime, that wasn't the point. But rather there is a much smarter way to commit crime than killing someone over 20 bucks. One of the best lines was, ."See that is why racial profiling is so easy" If you want more context go out and buy your own copy. The point is though that there is this crystal wall that I can't get at and 100 bullets is forcing me to look at it and acknowlage it, or to put it diffrently see the world in a diffrent way,
And really what more can you ask of art?
On that note for my birthday I bought myself a box of magic cards, now there are few things in life that I find more decadent than opening up a box of magic cards. There is just something beautiful about the whole thing. I got some fantastic stuff out of it, a lot of really good white cards actually which is wierd because that is the colour that I am least likely to play. I don't know why, white can do some snazzy things, it is just that I would rather play blue/black any day of the week. There is just something about that colour combination that I find pleasing on an aesthtic level along with its obviouse practical applications. The set itself has one of the most amazing designs ever to it. Essentially these little hobbit motherfuckers got tired of having thier asses kicked, went crazy and took over the world. Go little hobbit folk of all the things I expected to happen that wasn't one of them. The art direction for the set is beautiful and I can't wait for some of the wall papers to come out. Especially the scarecrows which are awesome super sexy.
While I am talking aboiut birthday presents I also ordered a metric fuckton of graphic novels. Most of it is 1oo bullets which is one of the most epicly amazing things I have ever read.
Now onto the real part of the blog. I kinda hate 100 bullets because it has exposed me as a racist fuck. Well that is only slightly true, for the most part I am not, I don't care what colour, creed, or gender you are, I just want to have good conversations, play magic, and video games. The diffrence is that 100 bullets is very much an urban book. Most of the stories I have encountered thus far are about black inner city folks killing each other. Now for the most part this is something I don't care about.
I should care about this. I really should, I mean there are children out there shooting at each other over street corrners so that mildly older children can sell drugs on them. The inner city just sort of overwhelms me. I can understand that being poor is hard, and that sometimes you might need to steal and or murder to survive, but the whole gang thing? I just can't respect its excistence. Initiation murders, machosim, and all that crap that gangsta rap, says is everything that I am so firmly against. On a lark I've read some urban fiction and it neatly encapsulates everything I find wrong with the culture, namely materialism.
So when 100 bullets uses this environment as its setting it immeadiatly turned me off. It turned me off pretty hard too. I always felt disturbed by it too, because all of these feelings I am expressing right now are troublesome to me. I am essentially writting off so many people as culturaly, asetheticly, and interpersonally. I've never met an actual thug, but I've met enough wannabies to make me wonder what the hell is going on with people that they would care so little about thier lives.
So time passes, like a year, and I decide to give the series another shot. I picked another book, still distinctly urban in nature, and I loved it. I loved it because it took all that gangster shit and made them look horridly stupid. Not in the aspect that you shouldn't commit crime, that wasn't the point. But rather there is a much smarter way to commit crime than killing someone over 20 bucks. One of the best lines was, ."See that is why racial profiling is so easy" If you want more context go out and buy your own copy. The point is though that there is this crystal wall that I can't get at and 100 bullets is forcing me to look at it and acknowlage it, or to put it diffrently see the world in a diffrent way,
And really what more can you ask of art?
vomit and comics
So I've learned something new about myself. Yes yes I am going to share it with you. As some of you may or may not know I have a rather intense phobia of phones. Why? A phobia is an irrational fear I don't know why. I get that question a lot though. Its funny though most people don't ask questions about bugs, but phones oh lordy there must be something wrong with that boy. And there is, I have a phobia, of phones. This just keeps going on and on.
I don't like to vomit. There was one time where I literally laid curled up around the base of a toilet for at least 36 hours writhing in pain because I prefered that to vomiting. The floor was cold and uncomfortable. Another time I nearly choked myself because it was coming up but I was having nothing of it, so I nearly died. I've mellowed out since then, but not by much. So one time when I got half way though dialing a phone number I found myself white knucked vomiting into a sink rather spontaneously we can all agree. I have a sevear fucking aversion to phones.
Much like the vomiting I've mellowed out since then. The reason why you are reading this on a myspace account is because of my aversion to phones and the fact that my friends were scattering acrost the country. I adapted, I can get a massive amount of things done without calling anyone. And I have manged to live a moderatly sucessful life with only minimal phone time.
However, since I don't live under a big rock inside a cave there are sometimes where my life isn't perfect. Its okay though, its my choice to be on the outside of both. ANYWAY, so a bunch of things happened where I had to spend an inordinate amount of time on the phone with people who were either incompetent or...well some of them just weren't very nice. HOwever what I was doing was important and couldn't be avoided. I was kinda proud of myself though, I had come a long way from that kid who was vomiting into a sink because he had to call someone. I like not being ruled by my many psychological deficencies.
Anyway I learned that I'm not quite as bad ass as I thought. That is the new thing I learned about myself. Whoopsee. See instead of clenching up and immediatly panicing I clench up and bury all the pain and terror I am going through into the pit of my tummy. Then all that pain and fear gets leaked out slowly over the course of the next few... well I have no idea how long it is going to take. I assume it will be until I talk to someone about it so I guess tonightish...I dunno. If not then I'll just need some down time, because right now I am increadbly wound up, agressive, and moody. I nearly elbowed some woman in the face who touched my back. Granted I don't like this woman but you know what I mean.
So all of that is going on. Because I had to spend a night calling people I am crippled for two days afterwards. Jesus I suck. At least I was able to get it done and everything.
Right that was supposed to be cathartic. It wasn't. Awesome. I'm going to write about comic books now.
I just bought and epic number of comic books recently and I am having a hard time finding the time to read them. At the same time I don't want to read them because I know that once I start, I will blaze through entire series of books like they weren't there and I will be happy.
In addition some exciting things are wandering around the horizon. The third grant morrison batman book is going to be hitting the shelves in september. Grant Morrison is quickly becomeing one of my favorite comic book writters of all time, and he is starting to become one of my favorite writters of all time comic or otherwise. His work on batman has been some of his finest to date and I am looking fowards to more with a sort of psychotic delight. His stories are narativly clever, slightly loose, and heavily psychological. Then they will break into high action, before settleing back down again. Everything about it is something I want to read more of. I'd buy it monthly if it weren't so annoying to do so. Besides I am a story arc and a half behind and getting the back issues really isn't worth it. So I'll just eagerly trade wait. Apparently from all interviews Morrison will be doing the batman thing for the long haul which is increadbly exciting, I really can't wait to see what he is going to do to the poor caped crudsader.
In other news the punisher will be ending soon and there hasn't really been much news concerning what Ennis will be doing next. He has a gig with an independentish comic book publisher called The Boys. He is two trades in and I am eagerly looking fowards to buying it. At the moment he seems to be thier heavyest hitter, by far, writter wise but they have a few other things that I wish to check out, so we'll see. I'm more curiose to see if he is going to undertake another mainstream project like the punisher or focus on wierd things. Ennis stands out in my mind because he is the only author to produce two 9 book series, thouse being Preacher and Punisher. Grant Morrison has been off making mainstream DC not suck but he hasn't really stayed on any book/series/event for to long. Warren Ellis has fractured off into ADD land and sort of does all of everything at the same time and ultimatly finishes nothing. Brain K Vaughn is starting to get up there with his series Y's the last man and his other book Ex Machina, but it looks like that seires will be wandering to a close sooner than latter. Ennis though has produced two 9 book seires and like 6 billion other things, he is one of the most proflic writters out there rivaled only by Brain Micheal Bendis. You know what though? While I am generally a fan of Bendis and while Bendis has sculpted most of the major marvel events for the past 5 years or so, Ennis is a better writter. Ennis is great, Bendis is entertaining. Two very diffrent distinctioins.
Speaking of things coming to a close 100 bullets looks like it will be ending on book 13. 12 is slated to hit the shelves in september and everyone is talking about how the seires is racing to its conclusion in its true serialized form. This is both good and bad, I hope that he will start another monthly series and that it will be as amazing as both 100 bullets and loveless which better not be ending any time soon.
Lastly there is walking dead. Walking dead isn't really ending, but some major changes are happening. Most of the cast is dead, and they have been throw out of thier prison. Where they go from there is anyone's guess, I for one and excited. Umm lunch is over back to work.
I don't like to vomit. There was one time where I literally laid curled up around the base of a toilet for at least 36 hours writhing in pain because I prefered that to vomiting. The floor was cold and uncomfortable. Another time I nearly choked myself because it was coming up but I was having nothing of it, so I nearly died. I've mellowed out since then, but not by much. So one time when I got half way though dialing a phone number I found myself white knucked vomiting into a sink rather spontaneously we can all agree. I have a sevear fucking aversion to phones.
Much like the vomiting I've mellowed out since then. The reason why you are reading this on a myspace account is because of my aversion to phones and the fact that my friends were scattering acrost the country. I adapted, I can get a massive amount of things done without calling anyone. And I have manged to live a moderatly sucessful life with only minimal phone time.
However, since I don't live under a big rock inside a cave there are sometimes where my life isn't perfect. Its okay though, its my choice to be on the outside of both. ANYWAY, so a bunch of things happened where I had to spend an inordinate amount of time on the phone with people who were either incompetent or...well some of them just weren't very nice. HOwever what I was doing was important and couldn't be avoided. I was kinda proud of myself though, I had come a long way from that kid who was vomiting into a sink because he had to call someone. I like not being ruled by my many psychological deficencies.
Anyway I learned that I'm not quite as bad ass as I thought. That is the new thing I learned about myself. Whoopsee. See instead of clenching up and immediatly panicing I clench up and bury all the pain and terror I am going through into the pit of my tummy. Then all that pain and fear gets leaked out slowly over the course of the next few... well I have no idea how long it is going to take. I assume it will be until I talk to someone about it so I guess tonightish...I dunno. If not then I'll just need some down time, because right now I am increadbly wound up, agressive, and moody. I nearly elbowed some woman in the face who touched my back. Granted I don't like this woman but you know what I mean.
So all of that is going on. Because I had to spend a night calling people I am crippled for two days afterwards. Jesus I suck. At least I was able to get it done and everything.
Right that was supposed to be cathartic. It wasn't. Awesome. I'm going to write about comic books now.
I just bought and epic number of comic books recently and I am having a hard time finding the time to read them. At the same time I don't want to read them because I know that once I start, I will blaze through entire series of books like they weren't there and I will be happy.
In addition some exciting things are wandering around the horizon. The third grant morrison batman book is going to be hitting the shelves in september. Grant Morrison is quickly becomeing one of my favorite comic book writters of all time, and he is starting to become one of my favorite writters of all time comic or otherwise. His work on batman has been some of his finest to date and I am looking fowards to more with a sort of psychotic delight. His stories are narativly clever, slightly loose, and heavily psychological. Then they will break into high action, before settleing back down again. Everything about it is something I want to read more of. I'd buy it monthly if it weren't so annoying to do so. Besides I am a story arc and a half behind and getting the back issues really isn't worth it. So I'll just eagerly trade wait. Apparently from all interviews Morrison will be doing the batman thing for the long haul which is increadbly exciting, I really can't wait to see what he is going to do to the poor caped crudsader.
In other news the punisher will be ending soon and there hasn't really been much news concerning what Ennis will be doing next. He has a gig with an independentish comic book publisher called The Boys. He is two trades in and I am eagerly looking fowards to buying it. At the moment he seems to be thier heavyest hitter, by far, writter wise but they have a few other things that I wish to check out, so we'll see. I'm more curiose to see if he is going to undertake another mainstream project like the punisher or focus on wierd things. Ennis stands out in my mind because he is the only author to produce two 9 book series, thouse being Preacher and Punisher. Grant Morrison has been off making mainstream DC not suck but he hasn't really stayed on any book/series/event for to long. Warren Ellis has fractured off into ADD land and sort of does all of everything at the same time and ultimatly finishes nothing. Brain K Vaughn is starting to get up there with his series Y's the last man and his other book Ex Machina, but it looks like that seires will be wandering to a close sooner than latter. Ennis though has produced two 9 book seires and like 6 billion other things, he is one of the most proflic writters out there rivaled only by Brain Micheal Bendis. You know what though? While I am generally a fan of Bendis and while Bendis has sculpted most of the major marvel events for the past 5 years or so, Ennis is a better writter. Ennis is great, Bendis is entertaining. Two very diffrent distinctioins.
Speaking of things coming to a close 100 bullets looks like it will be ending on book 13. 12 is slated to hit the shelves in september and everyone is talking about how the seires is racing to its conclusion in its true serialized form. This is both good and bad, I hope that he will start another monthly series and that it will be as amazing as both 100 bullets and loveless which better not be ending any time soon.
Lastly there is walking dead. Walking dead isn't really ending, but some major changes are happening. Most of the cast is dead, and they have been throw out of thier prison. Where they go from there is anyone's guess, I for one and excited. Umm lunch is over back to work.
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